Parenting 101

So, for the past two years I have been taking a few notes of what to expect when you have children...It is amazing how true most of these are!

When you are going out to a restaurant you can expect:
1. To get a table next to a older couple who has never had children who keep looking at yours like they are big germs.
2. To get a new or a training waiter who forgets at least two things you ask for.
3. The table next to you with 6 couples and no children will get their food first.
4. Your children will be finished with their dinner by the time yours arrives and they will be ready to GO!

When driving in the car:
1. If a train runs through your town (like mine) you will get stuck at it at least once a day, but only if one child has fallen asleep and you are trying desperately to keep them asleep.
2. You will hit every red light or get behind someone going 15 mph when one of your children is screaming.
3. There is no time for getting lost or wrong turns and you will do everything in your power to avoid that...like cutting across three lanes of traffic to make your exit.
4. When your husband drives, there is no reason for the passenger front seat, because you are always in the back with the kids!
5. It seems that kids are always starving once they are in the car.
6. Pray that they do NOT ban cell phones while driving...that is the only place you can get in a decent conversation.

Potty training:
1. Now means 30 seconds ago.
2. They never have to go when at the beginning of the grocery shopping, only once your cart is full and you are finally in line.
3. They want you to sit and enjoy the view of their waste exiting their body...and then you are supposed to be excited about it and discuss the color.
4. If you have two children....when a bottle goes into a baby's mouth it is a cue for the older sibling to have to potty.

Shopping:
1. If you are brave and attempt a trip to the mall, you can count on the play area being closed 50% of the time due to cleaning or another child puking.
2. While trying to check out, keeping your older from running and keeping your baby from pulling everything off the counter...the cashier will ask for your ID to check against your credit card.
3. Eventually one child will fall out of the stroller, highchair, chair or shopping cart...but they will live.
4. Restrooms and the children's clothing are always on the top level and the elevator is always in the very back corner of the store.

Your house:
1. You can vacuum nonstop, but there will always be that stray cheerio that you can never get up!
2. It is never good to step in a wet spot.
3. When all is quiet...something is up!
4. Sometimes it is best to not even look under the couches.
5. Never tell anyone without kids everything that has been on your couches or they will never come back!

and finally...just when you think you have your kids on a great schedule and they are sleeping great..you will go out of town or one will get sick and it will be over!!!

I am sure you can relate to a few of these!